
<blockquote class="wp-block-quote"><p><strong>Warning</strong>, this is 100% a rant, as I need to get some feelings and thoughts out so I can turn them into a learning experience. I hope this post teaches me how I can help others who end up in the same spot as me.</p><cite>Roy S. Sivan, Sr. Still Figuring His Shit Out</cite></blockquote>



<h2>Start At the End</h2>



<p>Friday (Feb 4 2022 to be exact) was one of those days where a mountain of non-physical stress, anxiety, and feelings manifested in physical form. I spent half the day unable to sit still, constantly pacing, moving, and fidgeting, it isn&#8217;t the first time it has happened, probably won&#8217;t be the last. However this time was new and different in its own way. </p>



<p>There wasn&#8217;t a single trigger, there were what felt like 100&#8217;s of stress triggers in scale from the normal to the large. Some of the stressors of the week were not in my control, but this week I could not accept it, and my insides turned upside down when I try to normally brush them off in acceptance of my lack of control.</p>



<h2>Normal Work Stresses</h2>



<p>There are always normal every day stresses. The day job, the fun projects I do to help keep me sane, and the side work I do to help offset some of life&#8217;s expenses as of late (day care, moving debt, etc.)</p>



<p>While I tend to put too much on my plate normally, it is kind of status quo for me. A mix of wanting to work on all the cool tech challenges, wanting provide anything/everything for my family, and a desire to move up the qualify of life ladder. </p>



<p>This week when it comes to my day job, we had a production deploy on Monday. I work with an amazing team so I was not doing it alone, but it did take longer and there were some other (non-code) factors that elongated the production deploy process. That deploy along with rethinking a few big projects coming up, made for an overall busy week at my day job. </p>



<p><a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://reimaginetomorrow.disney.com/news-highlights#news-highlights/disney-on-the-yard-at-the-cricket-celebration-bowl" target="_blank">Black History Month</a> also started this week, and we had a production issue that had to be resolved in order for us to get our content out. It was resolved, but my anxieties and stress levels were peaking as I did not want to disappoint.</p>



<p>A few of my side work projects have been dragging on up to 2 months longer than expected due to a mix of my own schedule, and as many know, the struggle of trying to get from 95% to 100%. This did not help, it means a lot of my post-day job time was spent working vs. being present with my family, or even present with myself and my feelings.</p>



<h2>The Nazis &amp; More</h2>



<p>I&#8217;m not going to shed more light onto the Nazi rallies that we had in Orlando earlier this week, a quick Google search can help you find more information. At time of writing this, some have been arrested.</p>



<p>So Monday, on top of what was a stressful (for me) production deploy, I was rewarded with Nazis.</p>



<figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-twitter wp-block-embed-twitter"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-width="500" data-dnt="true"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">PLEASE<br><br>If you write an article about Nazis, can you NOT use an image that gets blasted on social media with a huge Swastika / Nazi flag?<br><br>That only fuels Nazis to do more &amp; is an act of aggression towards the rest of us. <br><br>You&#39;re spreading hate by doing that shit</p>&mdash; 🟣☮ Roy (@royboy789) <a href="https://twitter.com/royboy789/status/1488246310385983501?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 31, 2022</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
</div></figure>



<p>To be up front, I didn&#8217;t feel physically threatened that day. I was at home with enough distance that I was happy. People are <strong>assholes</strong>, and that is NOT in my control. I even found it funny &#8217;cause they couldn&#8217;t spell Brandon correctly &#8220;Branon&#8221; &#8211; which is a hilarious self own and shows intelligence level. </p>



<p>To be honest, had there been nothing else going on this week, I probably would have processed what I felt from this and moved on. However this was just the start of a perfect storm week that didn&#8217;t allow me the time or mental space to really process. </p>



<h3>Continued Antisemitism &amp; Jewish Community</h3>



<p>1 or 2 Nazi rallies was not where it ended. A prominent celebrity said some hurtful remarks a few days after the rallies we had here in Orlando. There was an apology made via social media, and then a followup conversation on a late night talk show. </p>



<p>It was her remarks on the talk show that <strong>threw me</strong>. She did not understand how what happened during The Holocaust was related to race, since at face value Jews (like my grandfather) were white, and so were the Nazis. I did not get angry about this, but I was semi-floored and came to the realization that it was an educational issue. How we define &#8220;race&#8221; today is face value, but race is a construct of our own. Humans defined races, as biologically we&#8217;re basically all the same. Nazis defined Jews as an inferior race, and they found the physical differences that made them stand out. </p>



<p>I&#8217;ll also add that in today&#8217;s world Jews or European descendant Jews have had the privilege of being on the white side of systemic racism. I didn&#8217;t even realize this till my late 20&#8217;s. In my younger years (16-21) I was pulled over a few times by cops doing stupid things in my cars, and I never ever felt threatened beyond a ticket.</p>



<p>Growing up learning about my grandfather&#8217;s story, and The Holocaust I was used to people not knowing what exactly The Holocaust was, and how many were affected. I remember bringing my grandfather&#8217;s clothes from Auschwitz into my 8th grade class as we read through Anne Frank. I remember his tattoo, a number to identify him as though a piece of cattle. Not everyone has that, and I respect there is education needed.</p>



<p>I was not ready to feel like The Holocaust was not a racial issue, that Jews and other minorities were not segregated and sent to slaughter. </p>



<h3> The Community</h3>



<p>I&#8217;m lucky to have been chosen to be part of leadership of what Disney calls an &#8220;Affinity Group&#8221; or a group of similar interest Cast Members. There are affinity groups for many things, probably including a chess club. I&#8217;m part of leadership of <strong>Shalom</strong> a Jewish group that welcomes everyone, but focuses on awareness and community of the Jewish population within the company. </p>



<p>While the week went on, I realized many in the group who were more vocal in their feelings, were really also expressing what I was feeling. I took all of their feelings on as well, and wanted to help. I felt the need to help and do something, which given everything else on my plate, was not a good idea, but it was almost instinctual. </p>



<p>I had more than few meetings with members in our group, Wednesday being our leadership meeting where we spent the greater part of a hour talking about how we could come out of this as a community and how we could as a community, educate.</p>



<h3>Alone, Together</h3>



<p>This is where another, kind of new feeling for me, came in. Being alone as a community. I fully accept that I have been able to live in the system that is in place peacefully, because of my skin color. I have no particular physical traits besides my weight that sets me apart from someone at one of those rallies. </p>



<p>I looked around me, around us, and started to worry that we were now stuck in the middle. Did we have allies? Were those allies going to accept us as, at least on some level, equals in our struggles? Why should they given the history?</p>



<p>I started to look around and saw my community, and not many others helping us. No one messaged me asking me how I was doing, how the rallies or other comments had affected me. No one asked how they could help. At least it felt that way. </p>



<p>At this point, I don&#8217;t know how to continue with this thought. I&#8217;m not going to stop working, and I hope to be able to share what we as a group are working on publicly at some point. However at this point, it seems like it is our struggle and our struggle alone to both (hopefully) educate, but also make the changes we need.</p>



<h2>The Hidden Highlights</h2>



<p>To say this week has been nothing but stress, anxiety, and Nazis, would be a lie. The problem was by the end of the week I did not see those highlights. All I could see was all the negativity around me. On Friday evening I went to get take out dinner and ran an errand. I felt so defeated by life. I felt invisible to the restaurant that lost our order, to the traffic, and to everyone around me not seeing that I really needed to <strong>simultaneously</strong> punch a wall, and cry. </p>



<p>On my way home I hit my lowest point</p>



<figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-twitter wp-block-embed-twitter"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-width="500" data-dnt="true"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">I wish I had something more happy to say. But. <br><br>Fuck this whole week. <br>I wish it was over. But gonna be burning out playing make up <a href="https://t.co/IKUvVI9SyF">https://t.co/IKUvVI9SyF</a></p>&mdash; 🟣☮ Roy (@royboy789) <a href="https://twitter.com/royboy789/status/1489748045168324618?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">February 4, 2022</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
</div></figure>



<p>That is where things finally started to flip, finally.</p>



<p>I recently have been engaging on Twitter more with #TechTwitter and those coming into tech. I got to connect and talk to some amazing people this week, and met new people with even more inspiring, great stories. </p>



<p>On Thursday night I was interviewed by one of my new friends in the space, Chris. Chris &amp; I share a lot of the same stressors when it comes to work &amp; home life, and it was an absolute honor to be part of his Tech Talks series.</p>



<figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-twitter wp-block-embed-twitter"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
https://twitter.com/millertchris/status/1489636616834412546
</div></figure>



<p>Another group of (new to tech) individuals have really inspired me, so much so a new passion project came out of it. </p>



<p>What started as a conversation with a new friend <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://twitter.com/allysedotdev" target="_blank">Allyse</a>, turned into a project (I will not be publicizing YET) that <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://twitter.com/Elixir_Js" target="_blank">Pawn</a> helped me flush out, and has been on board with helping with. Pawn, I, and another contributor already had our first project planning meeting. It was GREAT.</p>



<p>There were others in the community, who did reach out in DMs, or <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://twitter.com/TheTechRally" target="_blank">TechRally </a> who seemed to always have a space, when I needed one.</p>



<p>I appreciate the tech communities I&#8217;m in so much, and without them I probably would have hit a rock bottom week and gone full burn out.</p>



<h3>Family</h3>



<p>My schedule has been really off the last couple months as I try to wrap up all the projects on my plate. No matter what, I try to keep a 5pm &#8211; 8pm (bed time) slot that I spend with my family. </p>



<p>This is a saving grace on most days. Spending time with the loves of my life is what keeps me sane. My wife, my 3 year old, and my doggo. They are what fills my heart and makes all the rest of the stressors worth it. It is all for them.</p>



<h2>Lessons</h2>



<p>I have a lot to learn from this week. But first, I need to complete these projects and get my life in order. </p>



<p>Biggest lesson really is something I already try and practice but slipped on. I cannot control every thing. Nazis are gonna Nazi. I can usually control and assess properly how these events affect me, but this week I was not able to. Maybe that is because I already had too much on my plate, maybe because it was A LOT, or all of the above.</p>



<p>I do know that if anyone in my circle (or not) is in this position, I want to make sure I am there for them. Feeling alone, even as a community, is one of the worst feelings. </p>


The no good, very bad, week.


<p>I&#8217;m <strong>addicted to coding.</strong> I say that not to take away from anyone that is suffering with with a diagnosed addiction. Rather I say it because at the surface, the symptoms feel similar, it leads to burnout, and is never good for my health.</p>



<p>Over the past few months I&#8217;ve been an unhealthy cycle, not taking the time to admit that I am done, pushing myself way beyond the point I should have.</p>



<p>I have a hard time drawing myself away, thinking I can &#8220;just quit&#8221;, when really my mind won&#8217;t quit, even for a few hours. </p>



<h2>Starting At the End</h2>



<p>My tell tale sign of this destructive pattern is how I end my day. When I am at my best, I go to bed. </p>



<p>When I am in an unhealthy cycle, I go to bed when &#8211; and there is no better way to put this &#8211; I am 100% from head to toe, exhausted. This isn&#8217;t good. </p>



<h3>Heightened Need Isn&#8217;t Needed</h3>



<p>I&#8217;ve been trying to understand myself better, and noticed which days I will tend to force myself to stay up</p>



<p><strong>Deadlines I&#8217;m not ready for</strong></p>



<p>This is a common one, and I am okay if I only ever needed to break a healthy cycle for a short (1-2 days) to complete a deadline. I feel this is healthy in moderation, but it is never fun when coupled with other reasons.</p>



<p><strong>I hit a wall on a code task</strong></p>



<p>I end up in a endless loop of &#8220;this last thing will fix it!&#8221;, followed by &#8220;no it didn&#8217;t&#8221;. I have stayed up for <strong>hours</strong> too long because I thought I had that last piece of code to fix the error, or make the thing work.</p>



<p>I know that I can turn off my computer, and go do something else, it will help. But I can&#8217;t. I don&#8217;t. I sit there and bang against the wall, keyboard, etc. till my body refuses to help my dead weight up any longer.</p>



<p><strong>I feel like I have not accomplished enough</strong></p>



<p>This is the worst one. This one is 90% in my head. I set a goal for what to accomplish that day, and an unplanned bug, or something else comes up. I spend the majority of my day on that, to complete the original thing, but I don&#8217;t let myself account for that. </p>



<p>Does anyone complain if a project or sprint deadline is met, but my daily self-invoked goal is not? No, just me. I can&#8217;t sleep knowing I could have done 1 more hour, or fix 1 more thing. </p>



<h2>Starting the Day</h2>



<p>When I am in a healthy routine, I try to accomplish at least 1-3 items before sitting at my desk.</p>



<p>When I am in an unhealthy cycle I start my day late, with not nearly enough hours of sleep. I skip all other routines or chores, and head straight to my desk. On especially bad days I&#8217;ll skip the green tea or coffee, it doesn&#8217;t help.</p>



<p>My self-imposed heightened need doesn&#8217;t help. I jump back into where I left off, slightly rested, almost like I never left. It really does feel like it after day 2 or 3, just a cycle of code, life, sleep, code.</p>



<p>The start of the day is also when I make plans for what <strong>I need</strong> to accomplish that day.</p>



<h2>Out of Scope Changes</h2>



<p>The continued addiction to completing the code, daily, has other ramifications. There are parts of life and being that slowly start to crumble away, and if I&#8217;m lucky I&#8217;ll catch it before it gets very bad.</p>



<p>I&#8217;m not always lucky, and usually wait for the inevitable shock or that <strong>rock bottom</strong>. This comes in the form of comments from the spouse, and any support she can muster to help, if she has any left herself.</p>



<p>My <strong>happiness</strong> had taken a hit. It is very challenging being the primary source of income and depressed. Burnout to the point of not working is a privilege. All day every day my mind was focused on what I was working on and that took its toll on my wife, our kid, and everything else around me. I was so focused on how much I was failing myself and my <strong>code</strong> career that I stopped being able to find happiness and value in any thing else around me. </p>



<p>My <strong>weight</strong> had been steadily going down, but it started to creep back up. In a few short weeks I had gained nearly 20 pounds of weight back. I think that was the nail in the coffin for this cycle. I put enough hard work into dropping the weight, that I couldn&#8217;t go back to where I was.</p>



<h2>Chicken or Egg</h2>



<p>This isn&#8217;t the first time I&#8217;ve been through this, I&#8217;ve learned how to get over these burnout / depression spells. This time was different, in the past I could use <strong>fun code</strong> to help. I&#8217;d solve my burnout issue by focusing a little time every day on something I enjoyed coding vs. something I had to code.</p>



<p>This time I knew this wouldn&#8217;t work. I needed a better, cleaner break.</p>



<p>I wanted to focus on my schedule, specifically focusing on how to go to sleep earlier, or wake up at a different time to be productive. I started with going to sleep. Sleeping earlier sounded good.</p>



<p>2 weeks I chose to remove late night working. I chose to limit myself to 1 hour at the computer every evening after walking my dog. If I could not fix / finish whatever it was I was working on, I would use that time to get myself prepped to solve it tomorrow. If I had nothing to work on, I&#8217;d try and write something (although this is difficult too). </p>



<p>Either way, I was determined to be in bed by 10pm, and asleep by 11pm, with a 6:30 wake up.</p>



<h2>Good Cycles</h2>



<p>Once I was waking up &#8220;on time&#8221; I was able to start bringing morning chores back into the mix. Including taking a longer walk with my dog, and putting the clean dishes away or cleaning anything else that was leftover from the night before in the kitchen. </p>



<p>After 1 week of just that, I lengthened, and added another walk in at lunch time. For once, I started letting myself take the 30-60 minutes of a lunch break to spend with my son before his nap, and a walk with my dog. I haven&#8217;t eaten lunch at my desk in a week.</p>



<p></p>



<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-style-twentytwentyone-border"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="768" height="1024" src="https://arcctrl.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/E9849455-00CE-4EE2-B710-934FB26DA71C-768x1024.jpg" alt="Chewie the walking pup" class="wp-image-2889" srcset="https://roysivan.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/E9849455-00CE-4EE2-B710-934FB26DA71C-768x1024.jpg 768w, https://roysivan.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/E9849455-00CE-4EE2-B710-934FB26DA71C-225x300.jpg 225w, https://roysivan.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/E9849455-00CE-4EE2-B710-934FB26DA71C-1152x1536.jpg 1152w, https://roysivan.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/E9849455-00CE-4EE2-B710-934FB26DA71C-1536x2048.jpg 1536w, https://roysivan.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/E9849455-00CE-4EE2-B710-934FB26DA71C-1568x2091.jpg 1568w" sizes="(max-width: 768px) 100vw, 768px" /><figcaption>Chewie, my walking buddy!</figcaption></figure>



<h2>It&#8217;ll Happen Again</h2>



<p>The main takeaway isn&#8217;t to strive for &#8220;I will never do it again&#8221;. I know I will be back here. It won&#8217;t be healthy, but hopefully I&#8217;ll be able to solve it before I get too far down the rabbit hole.</p>



<p><strong>Code</strong> to me is addicting. I love technology, I love what I can do with code, and I love learning new things. This is dangerous when technology itself helps me learn new technology, and when I learn 1 thing it usually opens up a can of worms to learn. </p>



<p>If it isn&#8217;t a deadline for work, it is an arbitrary deadline for something I wanted to learn how to do. Or it is some new piece of code I&#8217;m putting together for an open source project. There is always <strong>something</strong> and when it comes to code, it is really hard to say &#8220;Ok, I&#8217;ll get to it later&#8221;, I always feel the passion to do it now.</p>


Hi.

personal rants

The no good, very bad, week.

Feeling Addicted to Coding